Valkyrie Bestiary

Doing Our Best to Care for the Fae

Unicorns: The Stuff of Legend

April 26, 2084

Let’s address the many myths about unicorns. 

  • They do not appear only to virgins. 
  • They do not lure virgins to their death.
  • They do not eat virgins. 
  • Unicorns couldn’t care less whether you are a virgin or not. 
  • Unicorn horns are not made of gold.
  • Unicorn horns do not bring immortality.
  • Unicorn horns are not an aphrodisiac.
  • Ground up unicorn horns are not a panacea that cures all.
  • Unicorns don’t fart rainbows or cry diamonds.

Is there any other dumb story I’ve missed?

Good. Let’s move on. 

Oh, wait. One last one. Unicorns are not frat house mascots.

Those of you involved in critter rescue know that animals dumped in your yard by strangers are rarely healthy or well-adjusted. They’re the ones breeders don’t want because they have genetic defects. Or the ones that are too aggressive to get along with others in the pack. Or they’re old/sick and require enormous medical expenses. 

I’ve come to terms with that reality over the years. 

But I’ve never seen a situation as bad as little Chug. 

I was called into the university housing yesterday because a unicorn was holding a student hostage. Just another average day in the ward, I thought. 

When I got there, I found a unicorn high on hoodoo. That’s the latest magic-laced drug making the rounds. Anyway, the unicorn was trying to skewer a student. And why was a unicorn high on hoodoo? Because a bunch of frat boys thought it was hilarious. And apparently, this had been going on for some time.

I pride myself on being a reasonable person who only resorts to violence when all other options have been exhausted. But I came close to murder yesterday.

Chug is now detoxing in the paddock behind my house. He won’t eat or drink, so I don’t know that he’ll recover. I’d ask for prayers, but you know how I feel about the gods. Maybe I can ask for horse treat recipes instead, something that will entice the little guy to eat.



Comments (9)

You have my prayers anyway.
PsalmMaiden (April 26, 2084)

     On Chug’s behalf, I accept.
     Valkyrie367 (April 26, 2084)

Here’s a recipe for apple oat treats that my horses love. I hope Chug recovers.

2 cups oats, ½ cup oat flour, 1 large grated carrot, 1 grated apple, ½ cup molasses. Mix everything together and shape into balls. That’s it! I hope they help Chug come around to food again.
HighHorses989 (April 26, 2084)

     Thank you. I’ll give it a try.
     Valkyrie367 (April 26, 2084)

          You might need to force some water down him if he doesn’t drink soon. A bowl of peppermint tea might entice him. Wish I could be there to help.
         cchedgewitch (April 27, 2084)

              I don’t know that I can even get near him at this point. It’s a good thing he’s only 8 hands high because he’s trying to bash his way out of the paddock.
              Valkyrie367 (April 27, 2084)

That’s hilarious! A unicorn mascot on hoodoo :) I wish my frat house had thought of that! I hear they’re great for picking up chicks too.
Pappa-peppa (April 28, 2084)

     I hope your house burns to the ground.
     Valkyrie367 (April 28, 2084)

          I understand the sentiment, but that’s a bit extreme, dear.
          cchedgewitch (April 27, 2084)